Dear Diary: My Life with MS - Confronting Denial

It's been a while since I got up the courage to write again. However, today has been one of those days where I can't ignore it anymore.

Multiple Sclerosis. The two words that have changed everything, yet I keep trying to pretend they haven't. But who am I kidding?

I'm exhausted. Not just tired, but that bone-deep, can't-keep-my-eyes-open kind of exhausted. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep for a week. But then I look at my to-do list, look into my children's eyes, or see all the things I used to love doing - meeting friends for coffee, taking the kids to the park, dancing in the rain - and I feel this ache inside. I want to do those things so badly. I tell myself, "Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better." But will I?

My leg gave out again last week, for the first time in nearly a year. Public Enemy #1 (my wheelchair) became my mode of transportation once again. It's moments like this that remind me my body isn't entirely my own anymore. It's frustrating and scary. I catch myself thinking, "This isn't fair. This isn't me." But it is me now, isn't it? This new, unpredictable version of me that I'm still trying to understand.

The thing is, there are good days too. Days when I almost forget I have MS or try to convince myself it's all in my head. On those days, it's so easy to slip into denial. I think, "See? I'm fine. Maybe they got it wrong. Maybe it's not as bad as they said." But deep down, I know. The good days are just part of the rollercoaster I'm on for now.

The hardest part? Being a parent through all of this. I try so hard to act like everything's normal. I plaster on a smile, push through the fatigue, pretend I'm not worried about the future. I tell myself it's for the kids, that I don't want them to worry. But if I'm honest, it's for me too. If I can pretend everything's fine for them, maybe I can believe it myself.

And then there's the friendship thing. I never realized how hard it would be to maintain friendships without the constant feeling of being a burden. I've had to cancel plans so many times because of sudden fatigue or a flare-up. I can see the disappointment in my friends' faces, hear the doubt in their voices when I make new plans. Some have stuck around, and I am so incredibly grateful for that.

I know I need to stop denying what's happening. I need to accept this new reality, to learn how to live with MS instead of constantly fighting against it. But it's hard finding a balance. My best friend and her husband took Mike and me to a Green Day concert on Wednesday, and there were moments when I was able to forget I was sick. I was so engrossed in the show that I didn't notice the leg pain, pins and needles, or arm pain and weakness I have been battling this flare. It was a much-needed break from reality that I am forever thankful for. But no matter how hard I try to deny the fact that I have MS, I need to continue to learn to live with it.

For now, though, I'm tired. And for tonight, that has to be okay.