Choosing Joy While Navigating the Toughest Days

I'll be honest with you, this past month has been rough. Not the dramatic, crisis-level rough that makes for compelling stories. Just... rough. That quiet, heavy kind of rough that settles in and makes itself at home before you even realize it's moved in.

The grief of who I want to be has got me feeling down. There it is again, that grief. It sneaks up on me sometimes, whispering about the version of me that exists only in my imagination now. The one without MS, the one who can do all the things. And for the past few weeks, that whisper has felt more like a shout.

So what did I do? What I always do when I don't want to feel my feelings. I threw myself into school and work. Head down, full speed ahead, don't stop long enough to think. And if you've been following along on this journey of mine, you already know how that story ends. Overdoing it. Because apparently, some lessons I need to learn more than once. (Okay, more than a dozen times. I'm a work in progress.)

But here's the thing about hitting that wall again and again. Eventually, you have to change how you deal with the tough days. Burying myself in busyness wasn't working.

And that's when I remembered something I've known all along, when I feel my worst, I can find my greatest joy in helping others.

It sounds almost too simple, doesn't it? But it's true. I love helping my friends! I love finding purpose, whether it's serving at church or simply asking someone, "What can I do to make your life a little easier today?" There's something about turning outward when everything inside feels heavy.

Then yesterday, something clicked. I was watching a work seminar (yes, even in a rut, I'm still showing up...remember, we're playing chess here), and the speaker highlighted something that stopped me in my tracks: happiness is different than joy.

Happiness, they explained, is dictated by the day-to-day flow and decisions. It ebbs and flows with circumstances. Good day? Happy. Flare-up? Not so much. Happiness is a fair-weather friend, showing up when things go well and disappearing when they don't.

But joy? Joy is a choice. It's something you work towards. It's deeper, steadier, and it doesn't depend on whether my legs cooperate today or whether the fatigue rolls in like fog.

And that's when it hit me. I've been chasing the wrong thing.....

All this time in my rut, I've been waiting for happiness to show up. Waiting for a good day, a good week, some stretch of time where MS loosens its grip and lets me feel like myself again. But happiness built on circumstances is a shaky foundation when your circumstances include a progressive disease.

Joy, though? Joy I can choose. Joy I can build. And for me, that joy lives in serving others.

So that's my new focus. Not waiting for the good days to feel good, but creating meaning on all the days, especially the tough ones. Checking in on a friend. Showing up at church. Offering what I can, when I can, in whatever way my body allows that day.

Because here's what I'm learning: my hands might tremble sometimes, my legs might not always cooperate, but my capacity to love and serve the people around me? MS hasn't touched that. That's still fully mine.

If you're in a rut right now, feeling that quiet, heavy weight, I see you. I'm not going to tell you to just snap out of it, because that's not how this works. But maybe, just maybe, try turning outward. Ask someone what they need. Offer what you have, even if it feels small.

You might just find that in helping someone else carry their load, yours gets a little lighter too.

Here's to choosing joy. On the good days, the tough days, and all the days in between.