Let's Talk About The Anniversary Effect

10 years.

It's been 10 years since I was assaulted. I was 20. Only 20. At 20, you think you're invincible. The advice your parents or friends give you doesn't even phase you. Even the advice warning you to watch your drink at parties.

10 years.

10 years ago I woke up feeling a little emptier inside. I caught a ride to the university clinic with a friend who stayed with me during the exam "process". It was awful, it was traumatic, and it was all my fault (or so I thought).

10 years.

A third of my life ago, yet it feels like yesterday. I've had 10 years to grieve the person I used to be. I've had 10 years to grow into the adult I've become today.

10 years.

I've had 10 years of "triggering". Usually, I only think about my assault when something in my surroundings "triggers" me. Unfortunately, it's a feeling I know well. It starts as a burning sensation that moves throughout my body. This is something I'm used to. Something I'm familiar with. Something I recognize. What I didn't know is that my body can be triggered without my brain realizing it. Apparently there's this thing called the "Anniversary Effect", which up until today I knew nothing about (despite the insane amount of money I've spent on therapy throughout the years). Anyways, for the last week or so I've been napping throughout the day and feeling "off". I even mentioned that I was feeling "sadder than usual" to my best friend at lunch today. It wasn't until after I got into my car to leave work that I realized why.

10 years.

Without those 10 years, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have met my husband or had my two beautiful children.

10 years.

What a hell of an "anniversary". It never really gets easier, just more manageable. I am not a victim. I am a survivor.